Feeling like a Sun

"You are not the center of the universe. Stop acting like one."

The Legal Wife

In a relationship:

"A heart will never be capable of trusting  if  it won't let go of its fears"

It's my Time

                                      4 years in college
                                      4 years in medicine
                                      1 year internship
                                      1 year board review and exam
                                      4 years residency

14 years... 14 years.. In those years, God knows how many times I thought of quitting. If not for the prayers and constant encouragement I got from my family, I could have not done it.

No one told me it would be this hard. From day one I set foot in medical school, I was entering an unfamiliar war zone. There was no doctor in our family. So, there was no  one to warn me. No one to advice me. Many sympathized but they don't actually understand what I was going through. Which was a good thing, because if I knew all along what it would be like, I swear, I could have been.. hmm??? Perhaps, a teacher, a nurse, or most probably an engineer.

Nobody forgets the first day. We were welcomed by this speech:

                      "Welcome to one of the most prestigious professions in the world.
                        In order to pass a medical school and eventually become a doctor,
                        You have to have these 3:
                                        Money
                                        Average IQ
                                        Determination
                         And the most important among them is the determination."

Since, I was a scholar (of my family), money is my parents and older siblings' problem. Basing on my exams and what my pride claims, I could pass for an average IQ. The third one, the most important of all "DETERMINATION"- I doubt myself. Really. I was such a big, fat whiner. No backbone. Fickle-minded. Couch potato. Because of these, my journey to become a doctor was hellish. I don't have to elaborate the details. Please allow me to conclude "It was because of a miracle I passed medical school and internship." PERIOD.

10 years from medical school to residency, I was like a hermit. I drew away from the society, from my friends and especially from my family. My name was not included in the COMELEC's list of voters last election because I was not able to practice my right of suffrage for three consecutive elections.  Invitations from friends stacked at my desk, neglected, because I don't have time or too tired to come to those events. A lot of times, envy would feel my heart watching my friends in online social medias having the time of their lives traveling, partying and enjoying their youth and salaries.  I could not count how many important family events I missed. How many problems my family went through without me knowing or even if I knew I could not let myself be involved simply because I was too preoccupied with my duties. After 10 years, I looked at my parents, they have changed a lot. Their hairs were thinner and grayer. Wrinkles that were not there before now crawl on their faces. Their robust bodies now look frail and inflicted with illness caused by old age. My family have been through a lot of problems. I was not there.

My heart aches as I look back. It was like I have not lived on those years. I was like a machine. Study. Duty. Study. Duty. Study. Duty.. My motivation was - "One day all these would end and I would have my life back." INDEED! Now I am finally here. Medicine taught me this big word "DETERMINATION." I never had this in me before but now I am proud to wear. I just got my first salary (at the age of 33 years old). This would surely put a smile on my parents face.

The Doctor's Hospital, Inc. Department of OB-GYN 2014

Family representatives.. :D

My little angel.. i just can't get enough of you everyday

*This is a tribute to my parents and brothers, whose sweat and hard work paid off my medical school. My sisters, for putting up  and opening their ears for my constant whining and paroxysmal outburst about my bitterness of this world which would sometimes go on for hours and hours. To my husband, for being the most supportive human ever in my life, for making me laugh when I am crying, for making me see the beauty of life and for loving the good and bad in me. To my baby, for being the best elixir to all my weariness, for teaching me what unconditional love is. And most of all to God. This is all for you Lord - my life.  All glory belongs to You.

The Comeback

It has been a long while since the last time I visited my blog. I could not even remember when was the last time I published an article. A lot has happened in me since then. Those things that 'happened' certainly made me a different person, a better person. Basing on spiderman's "with great power comes great responsibility," here is my self-made aphorism "with great responsibility comes a greater person." I hope so... I really hope so. :)

As another chapter of my life ends, I am grateful that I had surpassed those horrible, terrible, impossible experiences. Not only am I grateful, I am also proud of those experiences. In this transitional stage to another chapter of my life story, it is only at this point I have come to realize that I need them to prepare myself as I come out to the real world. Now, fully geared and loaded, I am ready to face my new work soon (a real work with salary and benefits). So bring it on!

What happens if you're on a 24-Hour Duty

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping

I stay up and think of you"

     This song has been in my mind for the past hours. It is 2 in the morning. The world outside is sleeping. While here I am, wide awake clicking the keyboard for a break before updating my census for my 24-hour duty endorsement. I have 3 soon-to-be mothers at the labor room, actively in labor. After several hours of listening at them groaning I decided to take a tea break.

     Several years ago, when I am new in this 24-hour duty thing, Every 3or 4 am I kept asking myself , "What the hell am I doing here? I am so sick and tired of being tired everyday. This is so not worth it!" Sometimes, when I am so exhausted and  I have to literally drag my feet to keep up, I thought of quitting.  Fortunately, after several years, I am still here, waiting for the sun to rise and counting the hours before endorsement time so I could go home and enjoy the most precious moment a resident doctor could have -"sleep." On the other hand, when I am on the verge of quitting, I am always reminded by the money my parents spent on me and the effort, tears and blood I have shed to reach where I am now. The thought of disappointing my family weighs heavier than the heavy feet and low back pain brought about by my duties.
Well, all I need to do is to extend my patience for a few more years... just a few more years..  to graduate from this residency. Even if this means enduring more back pain, heavy feet and sleepless nights.

     Doctors are probably one of the most abused workers, especially in our country. Normal office hour requires 40 hours per week, but resident doctors and interns normal duty time per week is about 80-100 hours with no day offs, except maybe 1 sunday per month if you are lucky. I heard a lot of people confiding to me how stressed or exhausted they are with their  40-50 hours/week work. Listening to them at first sort of dampened my already exhausted spirit. I mean how could they complain with that when everyday they go home and sleep at their bed.  While we doctors on the other hand, spend sleepless nights in the hospital for a total of almost 1/3 of a year every year. I stopped counting how many important family events I missed because I am not allowed to take a leave.   Talking about the salary, since we are not regular employee, we only get a fix allowance per month, not according to hours we work. Because if we count the hours we are far down underpaid.  Also, when regular employee get sick, all they have to do is go to a doctor and ask for a medical certificate. While we doctors are mostly not allowed to be absent 'just because of diarrhea, or abdominal pain, or headache or common cold. In other words, we are allowed to be absent only if our illness is worst enough such that we have to be admitted in the hospital. Sometimes I would ask myself if being a doctor is a gift or a curse. Imagine doing a caesarian at 4 am and your feet is really heavy and you have low back pain and you have to keep your self wide awake and brain active and your driving motivation is your fear of cutting something that should not be cut while doing the operation.

     Being a doctor is a gift, along with it comes the curse. But as the old folks say be happy wherever you are. I sort of accepted my fate. I am happy with my job now. Because as I mature in my profession, I realized that this is not just a job to earn money. This is one of the most noble profession in the world. This is serving humanity.

     It is almost past 4 am now, I am still here waiting for those babies to come out from their mother's womb. I have witnessed hundreds of babies being born, but it never fails to delight me hearing a newborn take their first breath and burst to cry. Seeing a mother kissing her newborn  is a site to behold, it always make me smile no matter how sleepy or exhausted I am. Three babies are gonna have their birthdays today and I'm gonna be there! ;)

Take It From The Mother Dog

http://www.dogheirs.com/larne/posts/1677-heroic-mother-dog-saves-her-puppies-from-blazing-house-fire


I got so touched with this mother dog story. A mother is always a mother no matter what race or creature she belongs. No danger or circumstances will keep her from loving and caring her children. The more I mature the more I appreciated my Mama for the sacrifices she has done and is still doing for us. Even those children who needs motherly love, she wholeheartedly extended her care to them. My mama is and will always be my hero.

Window of my Childhood Memories

My little nephew Yves Miguel with cousins Josh Caleb and Helen Gaile.

He got the roundest eyes. 

When I look at those two round marbles it was like looking directly at my brother's eyes. It gives me a strange nostalgic feeling of being transported back to my childhood years. 

Fragments of memories keep flashing in my mind. 

The house near the railway, watching television outside the window of our neighbor, swimming in the river, collecting shells at the shore, climbing trees 

- these memories bring aching nostalgic feeling and I don't know why. 

It was so different then. 

We were dirt poor. Our house near the railway had no comfort room, no electricity and water supply. 

Oftentimes, we eat with no viand. We instead mix our rice with oil and salt.

It was an extremely simple life but I remember it well - we were happy. 

Those moments when we know nothing of difficulties, our thoughts uncorrupted with secular knowledge, where my parents can do everything for us - everything was perfect. 

It was childhood. 

It was the only moment where our smiles reflect true and pure happiness. I truly miss those years. 

I only have bits of scattered memories. 

Inevitably, along with maturity comes experiences of pain, thoughts corrupted and polluted by worldly knowledge - these things scar our smiles. 

I can only wish to smile that way again - the smile of innocence
- the smile of genuine happiness.